


When the Daleks win

by DarkHorseAsh



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: (that one is really questionable but kind of?), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e03 Victory of the Daleks, Hurt/Comfort, I mean it would it kill someone to give this guy some comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Unintentional Self Harm, kind of., post season 5 episode 3, the doctor is definitely not ok after that and no one can convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:57:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkHorseAsh/pseuds/DarkHorseAsh
Summary: The Doctor just saved the earth, again, but at the cost of not being able to kill the Daleks.  What happens when he and Amy get back to the TARDIS?





	When the Daleks win

**Author's Note:**

> Note: this takes place just after season 5 episode 3, Victory of the Daleks. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about how Smith looked when he said they’d won, and I just couldn’t convince myself that there was any way he was “fine” after that.

He could almost pretend it was worth it. The earth was safe for the millionth time, the Daleks were gone, for now, no one he knew had been killed or brainwashed or maimed or traumatized too badly. It had almost been a successful day if he could summon the mental fortitude to ignore the pain wearing down on his senses. The Daleks have won. They beat me and they won. Again. 

Amy was rambling by his side, red hair pulled back and eyes shining. He didn’t understand how could she not see that his world was falling apart again, that he had let his people down once again. He had destroyed his whole world to kill the Daleks and once again he had lost to them because he hadn’t done it right. 

Amy must have realized he wasn’t really listening because he watched silently as she walked away, blinking owlishly at her before turning and starting towards the library. It no longer had a swimming pool in it, but it was still his favorite place on his TARDIS because it just smelled like books. He could lay in it and almost imagine that he was back in the library in school, listening to his one friend talking about something and happy. It was a happiness he wasn’t sure he remembered how to feel. 

Hours had gone by when Amy reappeared, holding a tray with some tea and teacups. His head jerked up as she sat next to him, blinking at the teacup that had been pushed into his hand. Amy was sipping her tea and rambling about...something and the cup was warm on his fingers and he didn’t understand how she didn’t seem to notice his world had ended and he was still barely breathing.

“Stop it!” his words surprised even him, the sharp anger in it more than he would usually allow himself but he couldn’t stop the anger pulsing through his veins. “Just stop!” Amy was looking on with worry in her eyes but he wasn’t sure he cared, anymore. She reached out for his wrist, but the moment her fingers closed around his arm his brain gave up, the anger in his eyes turning to abject panic. 

“Doctor!” Amy shouted as the man bolted to his feet, the teapot he had been using the pour himself some tea falling onto his legs and breaking, hot tea striking his legs and the floor. “Doctor!” He was already moving away, towards the door, ignoring the pain in his legs as he ran, having no idea where he was going or where he even was until he blinked and he was pressed into the space between the bathtub and the skin, legs curled up against his chest as he shook. 

Time passed in silence, the only noise The Doctor’s rasping breaths and the soft sounds the TARDIS always made, as familiar to him as anything else in the world had ever been. It could have been hours or only seconds later that Amy slipped into the room, blinking at the impossibility of the figure in front of her, one hand wrapped around the medical kit’s handle. “Doctor?”

“A-Amy.” She wasn’t sure if it was a question or a comment but he sounded impossibly lost, voice small and scared. Amy nodded, moving to crouch in front of him. “Yup, it’s me.” Blood was running down his legs, staining the socks that The Doctor had always worked hard to keep so clean but he barely seemed to notice. “Hey, Doctor? I’m going to get your legs cleaned up, ok?” He doesn’t react, so Amy moved slowly, making sure the man had plenty of warning to tell her to stop as she eased the damaged pants from his legs, grimacing at the damage to his upper legs. They weren’t cut too badly, but the burns looked quite painful and the fact that he wasn’t even reacting to the pain as she treated the worst of the wounds.

Watching Amy wrap the burns, The Doctor just blinked at her, brain running in overdrive as the bandages were finished being wrapped and Amy put a hand on his shoulder. “Doctor? You’re crying.” She said softly, trying not to let how worried she was make it into her voice. “Doctor, look at me. Please. You’re ok.” The doctor nodded, shaking his head slightly as he moved one shaky hand to rub at his eyes, grimacing when his fingers accidentally hit the bandages on his legs. “P-ponds? You can go. I’m fine.” Amy actually snorted in amusement and frustration at that, nudging The Doctor out of the corner with her foot so he was sitting sideways and she could sit next to him.

He didn’t understand what was happening. This didn’t happen. When he was overwhelmed no one ever noticed him. He would slink off to the library or to his room and hide until he felt better. When he was injured, he would usually just grit his teeth and fix it himself, or spend days healing in pain because he had no way out of it. “W-what? Are you staying? For real?” He questions, cutting Amy off in the middle of a ten-minute rambling speech about one of her friend’s dog, who apparently liked chasing mice. Amy was blinking at him in shock and confusion as she processed his words. 

“Of course I’m staying, you silly time lord. What else would I do, leave you huddled in a corner?” She questioned, shock and something like horror flashing in her eyes when he nodded meekly, looking for all the world like a scared little boy, rather than the tough, invincible time lord she was used to. She leaned into his side, nudging him gently in the ribs with her elbow, causing him to shift to slump closer to her, long legs resting in front of him. Amy was trying to hide her fear at how unlike himself The Doctor was being. 

“Cmon, Doctor. Tell me what’s wrong?” The man shook against her side as he explained, long fingers fidgeting with his hands as he did. “And so they died. All of them. All of my people died and they left me alone and the Daleks still aren’t dead!” The Doctor buried his head in his shivering hands, letting out a quiet sob as his sides shook. Amy forced down her shock, moving to wrap her arms around The Doctor and tug him gently into her arms. The man went willingly, pressing his face into her collarbone as he wrapped himself around her like an octopus.

Amy awkwardly ran her hands over The Doctor’s back, voice soft and gentle as she felt his tears staining her collar. “It’s alright, Doctor. It’s alright.” She couldn’t help but wonder if the reason he was holding on so tightly was that he thought if he didn’t, she would get up and leave him with his tears. The thought made her tighten her hold, tugging him closer if at all possible. “You’re alright, I promise. You didn’t kill them, Doctor.” The dark-haired man shifted to give her an incredulous look. “Um. yeah. I did?” He mutters, unsure if he is speaking or asking as Amy shakes her head. 

“Yes, you hit the button or whatever it was that destroyed them. But you did that because of the Daleks, because of a war that was never going to end, a war that was going to wipe out every single world, Doctor. You saved the world over and over and over, Doctor.” She ignored the way he shook his head slightly, refusing to stop speaking. “The world owes you, Doctor. You saved them. And yeah, the Dalek’s aren’t dead, but they aren’t destroying the world either because of what you did. The world is alive, and that’s because of what you did.” 

Even as miserable as he was, The Doctor had to see the logic in her words as he used one hand to wipe the tears from his face as he sat back against the wall. Studying Amy with an intense look in his eyes. “You’re not lying.” “Of course I’m not lying,” Amy says, sounding slightly insulted as she pulls herself to her feet and offers a hand, tugging The Doctor to his feet as well. She limps out of the room, both of her legs half asleep as she moved but not noticing the doctor standing motionless until she half turned to look at him. “Doctor? Everything ok?” 

The Doctor nodded, giving Amy that crooked, tired smile he was so good at. “Course it is.” Amy nods, turning back towards the door, only just hearing his quietly muttered: “Thank you.”


End file.
